"I don't want your courage award": My life with a dual diagnosis

What age were you diagnosed with Crohn's disease? How did that diagnosis impact your life?

I was about 11 when I started having panic attacks, serious depression, and serious anxiety. I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease which has led to a lot of trauma in my life living with that diagnoses. For a good portion of me being 11 my body was sick, and I was sick, and I didn’t know what was happening. Most people start going through puberty at that time, but I wasn’t because I was 40 pounds underweight. People also start talking about sex, and a lot of the adults in my life just thought I didn’t like talking about that topic, but really, I was just so sick I couldn’t do what I was doing before. Also, the fighting between my parents got really bad and it started becoming more about me and me being sick because both my parents had different opinions on it. I remember when I got the diagnoses I felt relief because there was a name to what was going on and I wasn’t crazy or making this up. I remember the feeling of fear… I was 11 and I thought I had cancer. Having Crohn’s disease means you’re going to have this for the rest of your life, and take these medications for the rest of your life too. I was taking 40 pills a day and was still so sick and couldn’t function.

How do you feel this medical diagnosis intersected with your physical disability?

Already being disabled, I felt like a burden to people. I couldn't already do the things that my friends and the people around me were doing, and I didn't want to burden the people around me, so I began isolating myself (this is a reason for a lot of my trauma). I felt like I had to protect myself from other people's opinions and I had to protect other people from me.

What do you want to share with the world related to both Mental Health and/or having a physical disability?

I think sometimes we want an easy answer for things… but sometimes we have to allow people to go through it. You know like I wish I could’ve clicked a button and not be sick anymore or not have the constant negative thoughts that I had… but going through it has made me who I am today. I don’t want people to feel bad for me, I’m just living my life. I don’t need the courage award or special praise or to be told I’m someone’s inspiration, because I’m just living. This has been my life forever; I don’t know anything different. I have had a disability forever, I have had Crohn's forever, I have had mental illness more than half my life. This is just my life and I don’t need people to feel bad for me because of that.