"Expectation of Perfection": Living with an eating disorder

Do you remember when your MH first started to play a role in your life?

When I was 12… I was in 6th grade and that was the time in my life when I started noticing my body more, my space in society, and (my space) around my classmates. That’s also when I started noticing all the commercials and talk around what a girl “should” look like and society’s standard on what a beautiful woman was. For me, I didn’t look like society’s standard (of beauty), and while all my friends were sprouting into women, here was me this chubby faced red head who had already stuck out, and I remember thinking I don’t look like that… what is wrong with me. I think it was 8th grade when the thought (to purge) first occurred to me… and I became Bulimic all throughout high school.

Can you tell me more about your journey with Bulimia?

I remember I started fasting. Before school, I would always pack a lunch so my mom wouldn’t think anything was wrong, but I would only eat just one nutrition bar for the entire day. Then (at home) when I would eat bigger meals, I would always excuse myself from the dinner table and make up an excuse like “I have to go shower”, turn the shower on and proceed to throw up. I was doing these two to three times a week. At the time, it felt like a hidden secret because I would always time it, so people thought everything was normal and that I was fine. Nobody was looking for the signs, so nobody noticed. This went on until one day my sister caught me. When she caught me, I felt guilty, shame, sadness, and anger. Because I knew the follow up question to “What are you doing” is “Why are you doing this”. I had to admit to my sister and best friend that I think I am the ugliest person in the world, and I don’t love the body that I have, that I want to be thin and pretty like my friends who are constantly told they are. That (in my mind) I am doing what I can to get that. That was being Bulimic.

After you began engaging in treatment, what happened next? How have you been dealing with those thoughts today? I had to train my brain that "you need food, and it is okay to feel full because you just ate”. When I stopped, I had to figure out what does loving myself look like where I don’t restrict calories or binge, instead to find a happy medium. Which has taken years and is still something that is a process for me. But now I can say “no” because I am constantly training my brain to say instead “stop you ate that because you wanted to…you’re not overeating or under eating”. I try to challenge those thoughts which can also be challenging because some days I totally give in (to the thoughts) and that puts me in a shitty mood because I worked so hard for this... but (again) it is not too often anymore that this happens, so when it does, I usually just distract myself and tell myself that it is okay to have bad days and not always be 100% comfortable in your body.

What is a message that you have to someone else who may be struggling right now with an eating disorder that might see this post? My message to everyone who struggles with Bulimia is that it is okay. I understand the dark place that you’re in and that it sucks… but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it is tough and hard...but you are valid. You might relapse and continue to have those thoughts, but you are stronger, and you will get through it. 𝘋𝘶𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘷𝘪𝘦𝘸, 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘷𝘪𝘦𝘸𝘦𝘦 𝘢𝘴𝘬𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘧 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘭𝘶𝘥𝘦 𝘢 𝘮𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘢𝘨𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 below

“I am so proud of you. You have fought so hard, and you still fight hard, and you love yourself for who you are. You are the person you are today because of all the experiences you’ve had in your life. This Bulimia is a part of what has made you who you are today, and I am so proud of you. I love you. I love you.”

(Please visit the "Get Help" tab for information on the National Eating Disorder Association).